A column about writing and giving the speech that is posted as Column 69:

Making a speech? Are you kidding me? Speaking in front of a group of strangers, or even those I know, is not my idea of a good time. I had never done anything like it before and I had no interest in starting now. However, I mentioned it to a couple of guys from death row who are currently here at California Health Care Facility (CHCF), that the Education Department was looking for people to speak at the June graduation ceremony. I assumed they would feel the same as I did which was, “Good luck with that.” Much to my surprise, they encouraged me to try and do the speech, saying, “You should do it, not for yourself, but to be a voice for all of us who made it off of death row and are trying to do the best we can to make the most of this opportunity we have.” They also said, “It is also important to remember the ones we left behind. Say a little in remembrance for all those from the Row we knew, but died over the decades we were there.” I explained the speech is supposed to be about graduating with a GED, or college degree, not talking about death row. It didn’t deter the encouragement, so against my better judgment I decided to submit my name to make a speech. I was thinking I might be able to write a speech combining the topic of death row with coming to CHCF and submitting it to the Education Department to see if it would be an acceptable speech for the graduation ceremony.

Writing the speech was difficult, but nothing compared to getting up in front of the entire Education Department and giving the speech so they could vote on it. That experience should have showed me I am not a public speaker. With the help of Ms. T and Ms. C, I worked on the speech, trying to find a balance between talking about death row, then coming to CHCF and getting my GED certificate. Even Principal R and Ms. L gave a little of their time trying to help me prepare for the speech. I appreciated the help but didn’t want to take up too much of their time, in spite of my needing all the time and help I could get. When speech day arrived, I was nervous, but I figured I was as prepared as I could expect to be. Did I mention I am not a public speaker? Well, I was about to prove it. I have a newfound respect for those who get up and speak in public. As soon as I got to the podium, my throat tightened up. No amount of throat clearing seemed to help. That was bad enough, but when I started talking about death row it hit me very powerfully: All the guys from death row who were no longer with us. I am normally a fairly stoic person, but in a flash it became very emotional for me, as a few of the faces I knew from death row popped into my mind. Not all of the faces were of those who died, however. One of the faces was of Mike Morales who came within minutes-not once, but three different times-of being executed. They had Mike in the holding cell next to the execution chamber, waiting for the execution team to take him into the execution chamber, strap him to the gurney, and execute him. The first time, after a longer than normal wait in the holding cell, they told Mike a stay was granted for at least 24 hours. The next night they brought Mike to the execution holding cell for the second time. Fortunately, he received a stay that night as well.

Not long after he went through that whole ordeal, I had a chance to speak with Mike. I asked how he was doing? Mike responded with more than a little sarcasm, “They gave me two last meals.” Mike went on to say, “Very often now, when I hear keys jingle I have a flashback to the execution holding cell because when you hear keys jingling, you know they are coming for you.” I asked Mike, “What was the hardest part of going through all of that?” Mike told me, “The hardest part of all of it was knowing what it was doing to my loved ones.” Mike is still alive and hopefully doing well. Another face was of Jeff Hawkins. I knew Jeff for decades and every time I would see him, regardless of how long it had been since we last spoke, Jeff would tell me, “I only have six months to live.” Jeff had an illness which he kept at bay with medication and treatment. This went on for decades and it got to the point where, when I would see him, I would ask, “How much longer do you have?” It was always the same reply, “They told me I have six months to live.” Unfortunately, when covid arrived to death row, the prediction finally came true and Jeff’s six months was finally up. Jeff was one of many in San Quentin who died from covid. There was also George Smitty, an old convict from Tennessee. He was 70 years old when he died. George spent his life in institutions from a very young age. Every time George would say goodbye, he would say, “Take care of yourself, good buddy.” George had never learned to read or write. According to George, his lawyer convinced him to sign his name to a document. George said he was told it had to do with sentencing. George signed it, not really thinking much about it. When George got back to North Seg (a part of death row) and showed the document to some of the guys, they informed George he had signed an agreement to accept a LWOP (Life Without Parole) sentence and would no longer have the death penalty.

George was furious, feeling like he had been talked into signing the agreement. George said, “I told my lawyer many times, I don’t want LWOP. I would rather have the death sentence.” Later, right before lockdown, George came by my cell and gave me a handful of candy bars, saying, “Take care of yourself, good buddy.” I was preoccupied with something and didn’t really pay attention, just thanking George. The next morning when the CO (Correctional Officer) was passing of trays, he found George hanging in his cell. Many of us from death row know exactly how George felt since most of us have had lawyers who, no matter what we tell them we would like them to do, in regard to our legal matters, they do what they want and by the time we find out about it, it is too late to do anything about it. I suspect many lawyers just focus on getting their client an LWOP sentence, thus avoiding the death sentence. However, in being single-minded like that, there are other issues that are not given enough attention. Issues which might have a bearing on guilt, or innocence, but are sacrificed in pursuit of an LWOP sentence. Every person on death row has a story. They are not just some statistic that the CDCR keeps. There is Smitty, Scooter, Goven, and many others who make up the 32 prisoners who took their own lives while on death row. There is also Chris, Jeff, Fernando, Bill and many others who are part of the126 death row prisoners who died of natural causes, illnesses like covid, cancer and any number of health reasons, including old age. Plus, those who also died from many violent incidents that occurred on the Row. There were 183 non-execution deaths of death row prisoners since the death penalty was reinstated in July of 1977, compared to the 13 execution deaths in the same time span.

It was with people like George and Jeff and Chris and all the others left behind that flashed through my mind when speaking to the crowd at the graduation ceremony. Plus, thoughts of Mike and what he went through. It is amazing how much can flash through your mind in a split second. All the little stories from death row that will never be told but should be.

• Dean Carter